It has been a while since I started this site and not surprisingly after a couple of months I abandoned the project to focus on more important things that where going on. Desultory thoughts never left my mind though. I did upload a couple things here and there and then pulled down most of it. I was back and forth a lot overthinking my audience. ….should I publish the poem about someone I was seeing… should I share personal details about myself that family might read, should I expose truths relevant to my world verses the opposing subjects. Too many questions and too many doubts…. Then I realized… holy shit I’ve been here before. A whole year has gone by and absolutely nothing has changed. I started this project because I wanted to express my wholeness in which ever way I chose. Instead I find myself still stuck in the Schrodinger box. BUT I aint no pussy! Soooo… here’s to spending the last year enjoying life, adventures with my boogie boo and a yule tide of sub-captions.

An actual beginning.

Um…

I’m thinking about starting a section for my portfolio… Need to turn one in for class and been procrastinating pretty bad on the whole course. I have a few papers I can add to it but I can’t seem to muster up the gumph to upload anything. Where does this self doubt come from? Got all the confidence in the world as I click submit 5-10 mins before the deadline. No proof read, no feedback, no second guessing if my terrible spelling is going to knock off too many points. Just clicky click please god don’t be a dick!

Yet here we are, going through my files is like watching Little Shop of Horrors then going to the dentist. ( If your not familiar with cult films, see media. Thank me later!) I’ve got the worst case senecio running through my head, now to subjugate myself to public ridicule. Let strangers pick apart my work? Why am I being so negative? I consider myself a decent writer with the minimal formal experience I’ve acquired through random desk jobs and that 2004 english comp course. This blog is supposed to be my ease into the waters, so fuck it I am cleaning out my note pads. I guarantee nothing except a flood of unpolished, outdated, and probably a bit too personal, some might even say “Desultory Thoughts”. Yes, I just did that thing. You may take your shot of flavored vodka now. As for me, I’m going to get started on finding some interesting shit to share with ya’ll and hope it doesnt get too out of control.

A parents worst nightmare to clean, its after 4 am and I hear shouting from the other room. My sis is trying to get my attention from the bathroom door without doing much else to stop what is going on. I drag myself out of bed and down the hall to see that she is already sitting back at the dinning table. What the hell could possibly be so bad that she’s screaming for me to wake up but not bad enough for her to put down the doughnut? Ash, my lovely son just shy of 3 years is standing at the bathroom sink washing his hands, but that isn’t the problem. No, No, No, the problem is the glob of shit that must have rolled out of his pull-up while he was using the potty. It landed on the stepping stool which Ash then stepped into while getting off the potty. He proceeded to track footprints across the bathroom floor onto the sink step stool where he was frozen in fear. Uuuuggghhh……. Once again! Yes! Again! Ash had managed to smear poop all over himself and the room he was in. Thank the heavens above he was in the bathroom this time and not on the bed set that I literally 4 hours prior had replaced. Is there anyone out there that has had a messy potty training? How do you get shit streaks out of pink velvet???? To spare you I won’t upload any pics of previous damages, HA!

This sucks because I’ve know this person for over 10 years and I’ve been well aware of the “true person” he is when no one is looking. However, there have been very few times when he has let me down in such a way. The worst part being that I knew he was lying AND it’s caught on camera. A camera that he damn well know was recording him, to which he decided he was going to unplug the camera and lights to mask his devious acts. He casually walked over to the corner of the room where the clear-as-day white fist sized cam was monitoring everything and preceded to reach behind my tv and attempt to unplug it. Based off the way I found the plug, I’d say he was attempting to make it look like an accident, like maybe it got pulled halfway out while he was looking for something…. **rolls eyes** … it didn’t work. The cam never broke footage and continued to capture him quietly closing the bedroom door and climbing on top of my vanity stool to reach my “stash”. He helps himself to something I was literally offering him not even 10 minutes before. Why? did he think that since I had just offered that he had the green light. Then why unplug the cam? Why sabotage the lights? BTW the damn camera has night vision! Duh! This wasn’t the way I planned to jump start my blog thing but I have so many questions. Had he just reached up and grabbed the box and went on about his business I honestly would not have thought twice about it. The manor of how he tried to cover what he was doing is the problem. Am I wrong for feeling some type of way?

P.S. I didn’t want to include the original video that I was going to tag to this post because I changed my mind on incriminating the friend discussed. Im not completely heartless. …

Amazingly it took 5 mins to launch the framework for this project I’ve had swimming around in my brain for years. So many hours I spent laying in the dark going over names, titles, jokes, and content ideas, only to concede to doubt. I finally told myself “If you don’t do it now, it will never get done.” …. then… BOOM! It was like a river of creative lava burst from the top of my head and I haven’t stopped writing, singing, coding and researching every platform available! Last night… or rather more like early as hell this morning my sister and I were laughing our butts off while editing content. I can’t wait to finally have an audience to share feedback with.

This is an experimental blog to use as a learning and self growth tool. Please be patient and respectful, I Do Not Know What I am doing!